You know what I think about diets? They suck. I have been trying to get a handle on my food demons for almost 40 years (and yes, I am in my 40s, so do the math). I, like most people, suck at all diets, and the reason for that is clearly because I, like most people, am a total failure. It can’t be that the diets are total garbage, right? It can’t be that overly restrictive eating almost never leads to sustainable results, right? More recently, the word “diet” has gotten a bad rap, and everyone now calls them “lifestyle changes.” Here is a delightful romp through the history of diets and lifestyle changes since the late 70s and everything you need to know about whether any of these plans are right for you:
The Scarsdale Diet: This popular favorite includes a height/weight chart that says a 5’5″ woman should weigh no more than 110 lbs. Meals generally include cottage cheese, celery sticks, and the lack of energy to prepare even cottage cheese and celery sticks. If you hate eating, you will totally succeed with this one.
SlimFast Shakes (or any meal replacement regimen): Coming in a Neapolitan array of flavors that taste like wet sawdust, these shakes leave you hungry within the hour and hoping someone will say the apocalypse is nigh so you have an excuse to eat real food. This plan if perfect for anyone who has their jaw wired shut.
Pritikin, or “Heart Healthy” Low Fat/Low Cholesterol: If you tell people fat is lethal enough times, they will eventually binge on crappy “low-fat” cookies, hoping, just hoping, that the next one will taste like a cookie. They will buy potato chips that cause anal leakage. They will, eventually, talk themselves in to eating canned pasta products because the label says “No Cholesterol.” Any time avocados are vilified, run. Run fast to get away.
Fasting: Here’s a pro-tip: you need food to keep going. It’s basically science. Fasting is the aluminum track suit of diets. Drink a glass of water, and hello weight gain! Avoid fasting unless your religion requires you to do it. Which brings us to…
Detoxing/Cleanse: To quote James Madison University professor Alan Levinovitz, “Detox diets are religious purity rituals disguised as secular ‘science’. It’s the same thing: ascetic self-denial as a path to cleansing oneself of the evils accumulated through sinful activity (aka the ‘guilty’ pleasures of eating ‘bad’ foods).” For the winter months, I recommend a hair shirt instead. It will keep you warmer.
Low-Carb: This pernicious do-gooder has spent the last 3 decades making people miserable. It comes in many flavors: Atkins, Paleo, Keto, Whole30, and more. Its biggest fans are reliably unable to envision anyone else in a context other than the one they personally live in themselves. Should we eat fewer processed foods? I think most nutritionists would agree with that. Should we see ourselves as abject failures if we enjoy a delicious bit of baguette from time to time? No. No, we should not. Most of these plans come with “substitute” foods to replace your favorites. Paleo cupcakes (because cavemen had birthdays, too)! Atkins Meal Bars (because you should eliminate carbs unless they’re Atkins Brand)! Whole30 Approved Ranch Dressing (because you shouldn’t eat homemade compliant pancakes but somehow this store-bought item is ok)! Here’s a hint. Avoid processed foods. But when a really fine piece of chocolate lands in front of you, eat it and enjoy it.
The Mack-Daddy Food Demon Of Them All, The Workout Reward: Full disclosure, I have participated in this myth for ages. I used to enter every calorie in to an app, and ate way more than I wanted to on half marathon or triathlon days because the app said I could. And I lied to the app so it didn’t judge me for going out with friends. Eating and exercise should be two distinct features of your life. A good workout, whether it’s a hike, a HIIT class, or a gardening marathon, is crucial to your well-being, and ideally is done with the objective of feeling good at the end. Doing it to “earn” the right to eat or drink more eventually ends in feeling like a failure. This insidious concept winds its way through every diet and eating plan mentioned here. Getting to a point where you can order an appetizer and not feel like a jerk for enjoying it is hard. There are a lot of mixed messages coming from the world, and it makes it hard to hear your own mind and body. Practice listening. When you’re really hungry because work unexpectedly ran long, you missed your workout, and you eat more pizza than you meant to, it’s ok. If it happens like that every day, then take a non-judgemental look at the issue when you’re not hungry to figure out how to plan for it. Maybe work out in the morning. Maybe keep your least favorite flavor of Clif bar in your bag (so you don’t eat it just because it’s there). Or, maybe see about getting a new job that doesn’t absorb your whole life. But don’t beat yourself up because your workout-food seesaw didn’t balance out. That’s not what seesaws do. They don’t balance, because there are always external forces. Get off the seesaw. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your workout. They are two separate entities meant to make life better, not worse.
Ultimately, most of us want to take control of our lives. That’s hard, because, again, external forces. Letting a book, app, or web site dictate when you have been successful is allowing another external force to tell you how to feel. Sometimes we need to reevaluate our eating habits, but don’t let the food demons guilt you. Listen to your body (“Hey you, this is your body! I feel swollen after fast food! I don’t want to feel like that!”). Plan ahead. And for the love of all that is delicious, do not limit yourself to celery and cottage cheese. Eating should never be a punishment!